My vasectomy story

I’m writing this 4 days after my vasectomy so the experience is certainly fresh in my mind, and the dull ache is certainly there in my pants!

1 Year before…

My vasectomy journey actually started in February 2018. That was when I told my Doctor I no longer wanted anymore children. The decision was a joint one between my wife & I. This was never going to be my decision and my decision alone. This affected my wife just as much as me so it was important that we were both on the same page.

Our family consists of three beautiful children aged 13, 9 & 18 months. We are both more than happy with three kids, actually it’s more accurate to say, we both knew we couldn’t handle four! We are both 40 this year as well and as much as we still feel youthful & energetic in our minds, our bad backs and tired eyes tell us that our bodies aren’t what they used to be. It was time for me to have the snip.

So after talking to my Doctor he referred me to the local NHS hospital where I was supposed to be added to their waiting list. It wasn’t until 7 months later, after not hearing anything, that I decided to get in touch and find out what was going on. Turns out that I’d been referred to the wrong clinic! So in September 18 I was finally added to the waiting list! So I had to wait a year, instead of the 5 months it should’ve taken. Not a great start.

2 Weeks before…

About 2 weeks before V-day I received a letter telling me about the procedure, what I needed to do before the day and post op self-care. The first thing I noticed was that it said I needed to shave! Now guys, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to shave your scrotum before, but let me tell you, it’s not easy! They are not flat or smooth and it’s a very sensitive area! A slip of the razor can be tear inducing (although I guess it was preparing me for what was to come).

V-Day itself

So the day arrived. My appointment was at 9am so at least I didn’t have to spend half the day worrying about it. I was ready! My wife and I, and my now smooth ballbag, made our way to the clinic. The journey was only a short one but it felt like an eternity, it was probably the first time I started to feel really nervous about the procedure itself. Up until this point I’d been good at keeping it at the back of my mind, but pulling into the clinic car park made it all seem very real!

We were 20 minutes early, we brought a flask of coffee and had downloaded half the contents of Netflix, fully expecting a long wait. But I’d barely sipped my coffee and only got a few minutes into The Umbrella Project when my name was called. This was it, deep breath…I’m going in.

The Procedure

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I was introduced to the nurse and the surgeon who would be carrying out the procedure. They were both extremely friendly and welcoming (which instantly made me wonder, why are you being so nice? Is it going to be that bad?!) Before the procedure itself I had a quick consultation with the surgeon. He explained the procedure (which made me feel more nervous), the possible side effects (now even more nervous), and then went into great detail about the various, potential complications why the procedure may not work (now shitting my tight pants). I know the surgeons have to go through all this but by the end of it I was a nervous wreck! Anyway, I signed over the responsibility of my baby makers to the NHS and went to get undressed.

There was no gown for me to put on. I asked if there was a gown. They said ‘Oh no don’t worry, just come out as you are’. Now I know that the surgeon & nurse will be getting more intimate with my bits than my wife has but walking from the changing room to the table with my, now very shy & retreating, penis out made me feel a tad uncomfortable (honestly, I think the old chap knew what was coming and tried to hide as much as possible!). But in true British style, I sucked my stomach in, tugged a few times to try to get some blood circulating down there and walked proudly to the table.

I laid down, I could hear my heart pounding. This was it. Firstly, my penis was taped to my stomach which was certainly a new experience for me! Those worries of accidentally getting an erection during the procedure were completely wiped away by that one thing alone. The next few seconds was the worst part of the procedure, the injection of anaesthetic. They explained to me that the needle was half the size of a childs needle, the smallest needle you can get, I think that was to reassure me, it didn’t work. I was told that I would feel a sharp sting (they didn’t say small prick) as the anaesthetic made its way through the tubes but it wouldn’t last long. And that is exactly what I felt. I can only describe it as being stung by a bee on the bollocks, not that I’ve ever been stung by a bee on the bollocks but I can imagine this was similar!  The nurse put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and told me that it’d be over soon and I was doing so well, again, the reassurance didn’t work. But then it was over, the pain dissipated and I’d made it through the worst bit.

Now I know I’m not exactly selling this am I? Any guys out there thinking of getting a vasectomy may be put off by what you’ve read so far, but bear with me, keep going to the end.

So the injection was done. My scrotum was completely numb. The rest of the procedure was strange but not painful at all. I say strange because, as the surgeon was pulling and burning, and generally manipulating my balls so he could do his thing, I was laying there having a good chat with the nurse. We were chatting about my daily commute to work by train, popular Netflix shows, we actually got into a debate on which was better, Netflix or Amazon Prime! The surgeon went with Netflix, and I agreed as he was the one with a knife at my bollocks. I’ve never had a more normal conversation in a most abnormal situation! And 15 minutes later it was done. No pain, no discomfort, finished.

I sat up and immediately saw the sheets covered in a brown liquid, I wondered if I’d been that numb down there I’d shit myself and didn’t realise! Then I remembered that it was the iodine used to disinfect the area, panic over! I carefully got myself dressed, thanked the nurse & surgeon (they were both amazing) and left. From the consultation to leaving took about 30 minutes. It was quick. My wife was waiting for me in the waiting room, her face had that kind of worried, expectant look about it, almost as if she was expecting me to have tears in my eyes and a walk like John Wayne. But there was none of that.

How do I feel now?

It’s been four days since the procedure and I can honestly say that I’ve felt no more than a dull ache, like I’ve been kicked in the balls, but only gently. I’ve rested as much as possible (not easy with a 18 month old by the way) and kept on top of the painkillers. Today I showered and removed the dressing for the first time. I feel good, I feel relieved it’s done but more than anything I realise looking back that, apart from the injection, it went a lot better than expected! I was worried about so many things but the reality of it was much less stressful than the idea of it!

And I guess that’s my message to any guys thinking of getting a vasectomy. It’s ok. It’s not that bad! The painful bit is over in no more than a few seconds then you can just lie back and have a good ol’ chat with the nurse!

 

 

 

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Is Instagram good for my mental health?

This is a question I have often asked myself. As someone that suffers from social anxiety you would think that there are many aspects of Instagram, and social media in general, that would exacerbate my anxieties, but they don’t. In fact, I have learnt to use platforms like Instagram to help me with my anxiety & depression.

But this hasn’t always been the case. I have had a love/hate relationship with Instagram for as long as I can remember. I would go through periods of loving the interaction, posting everyday, doing lots of stories and generally embracing everything Instagram has to offer. Other days however I would feel like I was addicted to it. Constantly checking my likes and comments on new posts, wondering why a certain post didn’t get as many likes as previous posts. I would spend an eternity trying to take the ‘perfect’ photo and get frustrated when it inevitably didn’t happen. I would start to doubt whether it was worth my time & energy trying to get more followers and I’d ask myself ‘what’s the point?’. So definitely a love/hate relationship.

So what changed?  

Well, my mindset changed. My attitude towards Instagram changed. My expectations & goals changed. There were two main aspects I had to confront and change…

 

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‘Comparison is the thief of joy’

 

  1. Stop comparing myself to others. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ as the saying goes. And with Instagram, comparison can very quickly lead to self-doubt, anxiety & a feeling of uselessness and failure.  It’s easy to forget that Instagram is a ‘shop window’ to someones life. Most people only show what they want you to see, so in effect, you are comparing yourself to a lie. I follow many different people from many different backgrounds, and I love the fact that everyone is different! Everyone has different lives, different attitudes, different outlooks. I’ve used the word ‘different’ a few times there on purpose. Everyone’s life is different, not necessarily better, or worse, just different.
  2. Forgetting about the stats and focus on interaction. Instagram is about interaction. It’s about likes, comments, chatting, making friends, providing help & support, keeping in touch and so much more. I used to purely look at how many followers I had (or lost) and how many likes I was receiving, which is all well & good if those numbers are in a upwards trend but that’s not always going to be the case. Inevitably the numbers aren’t going to meet your expectations and that’s when the self-doubt kicks in and you start asking yourself questions. These days I focus on chatting to people, interacting on posts, building up good relationships with people. And you’ll find that if you put the effort into interacting with people, your numbers will look after themselves.

 

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Whilst stats are important, they shouldn’t be the primary focus

The above points don’t happen overnight. It took a long time to change my mindset and even now I will sometimes feel myself slipping back into how I used to feel. But through practice and experience I’ve learnt to notice the early signs and make sure they don’t continue to grow.

Now it’s all well and good trying not to compare yourself to other accounts but sometimes it’s almost impossible to do! In these cases you need to be true to yourself and unfollow accounts that make you feel this way! 512x512bbThis may mean having a cleanse of accounts that make you feel down and accounts that have no positive benefit to you. The whole idea is that you follow accounts that you enjoy looking at. Maybe you have something in common, maybe you really like the photos they post, maybe they make you laugh. Accounts that are irrelevant and have the potential to make you anxious of self conscious are no good to anyone so ditch them! This will also make your interactions a lot more meaningful!

 

Why I use Instagram

I use Instagram as a therapy tool. A way of expressing myself and my feelings. In real life I have many traits of an introvert. I find social situations exhausting and uncomfortable. I find it hard talking to people if I believe that they won’t really understand me, or empathise with me. But online, I can connect to thousands of people via a phone screen and still feel in complete control because they’re not all standing in front of me. The people that don’t understand, or don’t care, will probably ignore it but the few that do will interact with me and they are the important ones. The few that say, ‘I understand’, or ‘I feel the same’, they are the ones that make it worthwhile.

Instagram has given me a platform to talk about my mental health. Again, I feel comfortable being open & honest because I’m talking to people via a screen. Talking helps me and I have received many messages from other people thanking me for my honesty and openness, so it helps other people too. Imagine it as a therapy session of like minded people but instead of a few people sitting in a room, there are potentially thousands of people who know exactly where you’re coming from and can understand!

I love Instagram now. I know why I use it and what I get out of it. I know what makes me happy and what doesn’t. Instagram can be many things for different people so it’s important to know what it is for you.

Happy scrolling everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Therapy is…

Therapy is…what? I did a feature on instagram recently, spurred on by a post about spending 10 minutes looking at the seaview at my local beach. I just stood there, listening to the sound of the waves, feeling the cool breeze on my face & smelling the salty sea air. It was a moment of pure calmness. It was therapeutic. All around me just faded away into insignificance. It was wonderful. So I did a feature for my followers called ‘Therapy is…’.

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Therapy is ‘treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder’. I think we’ll all agree with that. Obviously, the treatment is usually talking to a professional, in a room, on a chair or couch.

But therapy can mean so many different things for different people in their day to day lives and I wanted to find out more about that from my followers.

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Therapy is…simple pleasures like playing on the beach.

Here are a few comments I received:

  • ‘I’m happy with a stream or river, surrounded by trees, grasses and a bit of wildlife’
  • ‘Therapy for me is any moment I can shut off and be in my head for a little while’
  • ‘Running is my therapy’
  • ‘The sea is calming and my kind of therapy’
  • ‘Exercise, either at the gym or walking’
  • ‘Therapy is either the water or the mountains!’
  • ‘For me it can be as simple as cuddles with my child on the sofa’
  • ‘Indulging in my favourite treat, some me time and a good ol’ cuddle of your loved ones’

Is amazing how many people say that being outdoors is their kind of therapy. Whether that’s by the sea, in the mountains or in a forest. I think being outdoors can put things in perspective. Most of us are consumed by our day to day lives and routines which for me is sitting in an office for 8 hours a day so getting outside, breathing in the air and taking in the view really is therapy for me.

It seems that therapy for most people is the small things, the hugs from loved ones, indulging in a favourite treat, exercising. It’s recognising the things that make us happy or make us a better person and continuing to do them.

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It’s all about the little moments in life. Like reading a book with your kids

I have had therapy, I’ve sat in a room and talked to a therapist and it has benefited me massively. Talking to a professional makes you understand why you feel the way you do or why you think the way you think. They can provide the answers to a lot of questions.  But in our everyday lives we need to take responsibility of our own therapy and we need to do what makes us happy.
I make an effort to have some ‘me time’ everyday. It could be going for a walk, sitting in a quiet room for 10 minutes, getting up 15 minutes earlier than usual so I can sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee before getting ready for work. It’s those moments that help me get through the day. Like I said, it’s the little things.

Why don’t you have a think? What is therapy to you?

Embracing my introverted self…

Up until very recently I thought I was anti-social. I didn’t enjoy nights out. The noise, the crowds it was all too much for me to handle and I’d often find myself sneaking off home early without telling anyone. I found making small talk unnatural and joining in a group conversation even harder. It was exhausting to be honest. I just couldn’t let my hair down.

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A crowded bar = My worst nightmare

The problem was I didn’t know why I wasn’t enjoying myself! I wanted to enjoy myself. I’d spend the whole time thinking ‘Come on Matt, relax, enjoy yourself, you’re with friends, this should be fun’. Obviously this internal ‘motivation’ had the opposite affect. I ended up spending too much time in my head and not enough time focusing on the external stimulus of my surroundings. I would become anxious and so self aware it was like a spotlight was shining on me and people were looking at me thinking ‘Look at him being all quiet & distant, he’s so boring’. At the end of the night I would end up disappointed, exhausted and wishing I hadn’t gone out in the first place.
So that is what I started to do – Not go out. I turned down invitations, came up with excuses like I’m tired, I can’t afford it, or sometimes I just didn’t turn up. Initially it actually felt really good. An easy way of dealing with social anxiety is to not go out in the first place, you don’t have to deal with it then. I knew deep down however, that the issue was always going to be there until I decided to do something about it, and so I started to try and understand why I felt like I did.

I was convinced I was just anti-social but then someone said to me ‘I don’t think you’re anti-social, I think you’re an introvert’. I’d obviously heard of the phrase but I didn’t know what it meant exactly. So I did some research.

I discovered a website called Introvert, Dear and all of a sudden every thing seemed to just make sense. Why I hadn’t been enjoying myself on nights out, why I had social anxiety, why I felt exhausted when socialising. The reasons were all there.

The following information in italic is taken from Introvert, Dear. And includes my thoughts highlighted in blue

So what is an introvert…? 

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The most common definition of an introvert is someone who gets drained by socialising and recharges by being alone. I felt exhausted going out and certainly enjoy my own company But there’s so much more to introversion than that. 

Everyone is born with an innate temperament  – a way that you gain energy and prefer to interact with the world. Introversion and extroversion are temperaments. Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert is largely determined by your genes – meaning you were probably born that way. – I certainly remember being quiet and thoughtful as a young child. In fact I remember a story my Mum told me about Nursery when I was about 2 years old. I used to scream when I was left in the large hall with all the other children but as soon as I was taken into the smaller side room that had fewer children in I was completely fine. Kind of makes sense. 

However, we are also shaped by our life experiences. If your quiet, thoughtful ways were encouraged by your parents, teachers and others, you probably grew up feeling confident in who you are. But, like many introverts, if you were teased or bullied or told to ‘come out of your shell’ you may have developed social anxiety or felt like you had to pretend to be someone you’re notI’ve underlined this sentence as it just opened my eyes and made me start to understand why I was feeling the way I was. 

Being an introvert is completely normal and it’s not even that uncommon. US studies suggest that 30 to 50% of the US population are introverts. 

How do I know I’m an introvert…?

Have you always felt different?Yes, I always felt different in my group of friends. I was always the quiet, sensible one and I felt like I didn’t fully fit in because I wasn’t acting the same as they were. 

Do you enjoy spending time alone?  – Yes, I always take time out on my own. Whether that be getting up 10 minutes earlier than needed to sit and have a coffee in the quiet, or going to the train station early so I can enjoy the sea view on my own before getting the train to London – Which links in with my previous post on Therapy here –  INSERT LINK

Do you feel like you are the only person who doesn’t need to talk, talk, talk – or be around people ALL the time? – Yes, it’s safe to say I’m not a chatty person!

Other characteristics include:

  • We’d rather stay at home most nights than go out to one social event after the other
  • We enjoy quiet, solitary activities like reading, writing, gaming, gardening or drawing.
  • We’ll usually choose the company of a few close friends over a wild party
  • We do our best to work alone
  • Many of us will avoid small talk or other unnecessary social interactions
  • You have a vivid, rich inner world…
  • …and you’re often ‘in your head’
  • You prefer to be out of the spotlight
  • You can ‘network’ but it feels fake
  • You don’t always know what to say
  • You’re better at writing your thoughts than saying them
  • You dive deep, both in relationships and interests
  • You seek meaning

All these points hit home with me. All of them. 

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I always thought I was a shy person but I think I’ve been confusing being a shy and being an introvert because the two have totally different traits…

Being shy means you get very nervous and self-conscious in social situations. Introverts & extroverts can both have this trait – not all natural-born extroverts run around chatting with strangers! 

Being introverted means socialising wears you out. You might not be nervous or shy at all. 

Personally I believe I am little shy even though people I meet say I don’t come across shy when I speak to them. I now understand that I’m more of an introvert than shy. 

Being an introvert has negative connotations associated with it, almost like it’s a bad thing. But as I said earlier, it’s a very common and very normal way to be. Can you imagine a world full of extroverts? Or even a world full of introverts? Society needs a good mixture of both to function.

Being an introvert is often mistaken for being socially awkward, but just like shyness, they are completely different traits. Not all introverts are the same. Some will need only a little bit of alone time to recharge and can handle a fair amount of social time before they feel drained. Others drain quickly and prefer to spend very long periods alone. I believe I’m somewhere in the middle. I can handle a fair amount of social time but it’s not easy.

I also want to dispel some of the common myths surrounding what it means to be an introvert.

  • We are not necessarily socially awkward. Many introverts can actually be quite charismatic in social situations.
  • We don’t hate people. Our lack of chit chat is often misrepresented. People take it as a sign that we don’t like others. The truth is the opposite. Introverts often avoid small talk because we consider it to be inauthentic. We crave a more meaningful connection to talk to people.
  • We aren’t rude. If an introvert is completely out of social energy we may be a little crabby, or zone out for a while, but we’re not trying to be rude – and we’ll be a lot more friendlier once we’ve had time to recharge on our own.
  • We don’t need to be fixed. Being an introvert is part of who we are, and it can be a source of brilliance. We are at our best when we embrace our nature and use it as a source of strength.
  • We don’t wish we were extroverts. Sure sometimes introverts envy an extroverts ability to think quickly or fit naturally into a social situation. But we also take great delight in our inner world and alone time.

 

There’s a lot of information here and some of you maybe thinking some of it sounds familiar to your own lives. I want to try and dispel the notion that being an introvert or having some tendencies of an introvert is a negative thing. I certainly have gained a lot of reassurance from learning more about it and it has answered a lot of questions I previously couldn’t answer.

So how does this knowledge help me?

Well I looked at the information above and more on the ‘Introvert, Dear’ website and realised that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was ignoring my introverted tendencies. I now know that being quiet at a party, not joining in small talk or taking some time out to be on my own is ok. I don’t have to be chatty, I don’t have to be loud, I don’t have to dance if I don’t want to. I can just relax, enjoy myself by just being me. And if that means being introverted then so be it, because that’s who I am and I’m ready to embrace it.